music is the sex in you

No you haven't clicked on the wrong link. And I haven't gone insane. After an interesting talk with my brother's new girlfriend, who it turns out is a pole dancing teacher, I've come to a conclusion. Given the right music, and few clever tricks, even the prudest or most self conscious of people could unleash their inner sex kitten and pull off a strip tease to be remembered...

And because I love you all so much, and I don't really have that many tricks, so I've decided to delve into the cesspit that is iTunes and find my top five favourite songs to dance to.
So here they are, in true countdown form:

5. Warrant - Cherry Pie.
Not an original idea, I realise. But something an oldie still sheds some magic. This is less of a romantic one on one kind of strip and more of a jumping on the bar and going wild. Your head starts thrashing to the guitar riff. Suddenly the ass and back are moving wildly as the sixteen layers you cleverly wore start getting thrown away. By the time you get to ''licking the beater'' you're kicking your legs out at every cymbol crash, and all sober thoughts are gone.

4. Deftones - Change.
This one is an unusual choice, but a friend suggested it to me, and it quickly became a favourite. Not designed to be all that sexual, or dance-worthy, the song still has all the essential elements of a good strip song. A steady rythmic beat, a voice that combines singing with a kind of aching moan that screams unfulfilled desire and a change from quiet and slow to fast and loud spread throughout the song manages to convince you to let go of yourself. This is more of an eyes closed, super slow hands exploring, hips swaying hypnotically kind of strip. Just remember to shoot him some dark and sultry looks and actually take your clothes off and it'll work.

3. Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me.
What's not to love about this four minutes of pure 80's rock. Throw on one if his button down shirts, unbuttoned, over a matching set of colourful laced lingerie, mess up you hair like Pretty in Pink and just go wild. Show him just how far your back bends and how good your legs look from all angles. When the chorus comes in have fun and pull off your best 80's dance moves. Remember to smile and remind him how fun and crazy you can be and I swear everytime he hears the collection of strong bass guitar and very rough vocals he'll need a private moment.

2. Tweet - Oops, Oh my.
One of the shortest songs in my list, which is probably a good thing as it'll make you very energetic. Missy Elliot and Fabolous both add a bit of rapping to this light and bouncy ditty. I'm not a huge fan of RnB or rap generally but the weird collection of electronic noices that make up the backing tape makes me smile and the repetition of the orgasmic "oops" makes you wanna try out your best Pussycat Dolls impression. Don't deny it, I know you've attempted Don't Cha at least once with a group of drunk friends. So pull out the sideways baseball cap, throw on some shredded skin tight clothes and lace up your highest stilettos, its time to show him just how low you can go. (Dont forget to flick your hair when you "look over to the left").

1. JOI- Lick.
At 6:29 this isnt a quick song to dance to, but the slow rythmic electronic beat sends you into a eyes half-closed kind of trance. Next a combination of male and female vocals quietly moaning and ahhing in unison gets the hips moving, subtly at first but ever growing. Throw in a female voice crying out lyrics dripping in sexual connotations and you can almost see it now... A darkened room, faint light reflecting off your stomach and legs as you slowly sway, your back arching while your head leans back loosened hair falling around your face, hands exploring.... Yer you get the idea... (if not just check out the bedroom scene in xXx)

Don't say I never do anything for you...

Time for change...

Yes folks, it was bound to happen. I niched myself too much and ended up not having enough to talk about. So because I'm a strong believer in the fact that you can't shut me up, I've decided to branch out. Not to fear, I'll still keep you up to date with the latest in rockabilly and psychobilly, but I'll also be diving into my own personal tastes.

So from now on, be prepared to enjoy a eclectic look into the world of rock according to the goat... The Billy Goat that is...

And now for something completely different...

So after assailing my ears with Warren Earl's attempt to rock out I decided to take a break and try something new. That and I'd watched Almost Famous this morning. So sit back and enjoy 2 minutes with Dylan Shearer, a Brisbane light techie whose worked with such bands as Spiderbait, Repeat Offender and Seether.

So tell me a bit about yourself?
Haha, what do you wanna know?

Umm, well what's it like being a techie?
It's like being part of a huge family, everyone knows you either from working with you or from people you've worked with. I guess it breeds a certain kind of person; you have to get along with everyone because it's a referral industry. You're only as good as your last job. Fuck it up or piss off the wrong person and suddenly you're the resident sound guy for some back-end nightclub.

Wow, sounds intense! So how'd you get into it?
I guess I always had a passion for music as a kid, as well as being hugely technologically based. But as I got older the pressures of our society got to me, so when I got an OP 1 I felt I had to do the responsible thing and go to university, studying education and IT. But that didn't even last a year. I dropped out, worked as a pizza guy for the rest of the year and then by pure fluke was looking at Tafe classes and someone was like do this, I think you'll like it and here I am.

So it was a lighting course?
No actually, the course focuses mostly on sound, but we did a six week bit on lights and I remember thinking how big a void there is in lighting. It's like the forgotten industry. It doesn't help that there's really only one company doing lights in Brisbane. There's no competition and therefore no interest.

Ah, so you saw a void in the market and thought you could make a name for yourself?
Kinda. And I guess in that way I fucked up. I spend most of my days in the warehouse cleaning and packing away equipment. People think a show is just two hours of music. It's not. It's a week of preparation. Then a 6am start that morning to drive everything over and set it all up. Then you've got to work the show, and finish up by packing up everything. You're lucky if you get done by midnight. And if you're good at your job, you'll have another show on the next night, so you do it all over again.

But surely there's something about it that you love.
Defiantely, don't get me wrong, I hate the other stuff but it's worth it just to be in front of that deck. The feeling is like nothing else.

Tell me about it.
Well, it's not like work, it's more like an art form. With sound you can to some extent tune out of the music and just focus on the mechanics, turn this up, turn that down etc. But with lights it's all intuition, no two light shows are the same. I remember doing lights for a DJ when I'd just started out. You know how they go really quiet and then start building up, the beat getting faster before a big bang? Well the first night I didn't know what I was doing so I didn't strobe to the beat as it started building up, and yer the crowd yelled a bit. But the second night I strobed and the crowd went off, screaming and cheering like it was the show of a life time.

Awesome, well looks like we're out of time. Thanks for chatting to me!
No worries, and if I ever see you at a gig, I'll get you some backstage passes.

The rockin' Earl of Bendigo

The feel of the gravel under my feet is like mini pieces of hot metal searing my skin as I walk towards the deck. But between the ever present flies and the lowing cattle I can't focus on the pain for long. I reach up to wipe the sweat from my brow and know without looking that the red dust has smeared across my skin. But up ahead I see my destination and with a sigh of relief I slouch back in the broken armchair and pick up my guitar. Beside me Johnny C. starts humming a tune and together we pass another Tennessee summer night.

Or at least that's how it feels listening to Warren Earl sing.

In fact, if you came across his music on the radio you'd swear it was Johnny Cash himself singing, not a young ex-Bendigonian rockabillist. Not that you'd find him on the radio, Warren's currently confined to a myspace page and few local gigs with his new Brisbane band Warren Earl and the Atomic Rockers. But his music, while providing nothing new isn't unpleasent to listen to. It's just a bit...dusty. Sure, Warren claims he's mixed in a bit of surfer, country and rockabilly to make a new an unique sound. But seriously, are those styles really all that different? It's all got the same basic formula:

One gravelly voiced singer + (a slightly out of tune acoustic guitar + optional snare drum) x lyrics that contain the word rocking and baby = any generic rockabilly/country/surfer/pop song out there.

Actually, scratch that. It's not so much the lack of originality that bugs me about Warren, it's the complete and utter lack of imagination with regards to the lyrics. I'm pretty sure they were written by a 9 year old, or at least someone with the vocabulary of a 9 year old. In one 2 minute song, imaginative titled Man She's a Rocker, rocking is mentioned 27 times!

My favourite line of the song is, ''I said man she's a rocker, yer man she's a rocker, I said man she's a rocker, she knows how to rock n roll". Complete genius there, Elvis must be spinning in his grave for not thinking it up himself. Out of the 14 songs available online, 6 contain some variation on the work rock in the title alone, the rest like Be Bop Boogie mention THAT word before the first minute is passed.

Not that I'm counting or anything...

But seriously Warren, I know you've got a brain in there somewhere! You've just gotta put down the Carl Perkin's vinyl, pick up a dictionary and start making music which doesn't sound like something from SpongeBob SquarePants (I'm not kidding, check out Rocket Ship Blues and tell me that's not from Bikini Bottoms).

My Zombie Night

I'd just finished a 9 hour shift and the guy I was seeing had just announced he wanted to end things. And to make it worse, my friend had attacked my facebook with comments about how cute me and said boy were together.

So as I sat there in disgust, deleting anything that mentioned him and I, every nerve in my body screamed for a release and then it hit me... What I needed right now was a soundtrack. One of those memorable moments out of movies where the girl gets off the bed, gets all sexy and goes out partying.

And because I feel that rules should be broken I decided to base my night-time preparations around Zombie Ghost Train's album 'Dealing the Death Card'.

Editing my facebook -> Long Dark Night
This song is both upbeat and tear-wrenching at the same time. The guitar starts off lonely and sad but by the solo has sucked you deep inside where you are surrounded by the steady march of the drums. And though the lyrics are full of the misery of waiting for love, the melody is so full of highs that you cant help but feel a little better. Maybe my life isnt completely ruined.

Sizing up my options for the night -> Monster Rock 'n Roll
What can I say its got attitude and an affectious beat that has you saying you know what, fuck him, your too goddamn awesome to be sitting at home on a Saturday night. Maybe its the classic rock riffs or the punky drums, or maybe its the fact that the lyrics are so full of themselves you sit up and listen. Either way, the phones in hand and the plans are made before the song ends. So raise your glasses high!

Getting dressed -> To The River
It starts off slow and sad, like my reaction to my limited wardrobe. But with the first few words I suddenly get inspiration. By the time I'm going down to the river I've chosen possibly the sexiest and rockiest outfit I've worn in a while. And with the build up created by the guitar solos I have the confidence to pull it off. The lyrics are sung with such manliness that you cant help but do a Joey and 'How you doing' your reflection.

Realising he still hasnt messaged despite your "I'm pissed off" facebook status -> Step into My Coffin
It's like stepping over to the darkside and being rewarded with infinate powers. Suddenly you KNOW your doing the right thing going out, just as much as you know had the Twilight vampires been as darkly hot as these, you might have actually watched the movie. So go on, "step into my coffin", I DARE YA!

Walking out the Door -> Dead End Crew
It was a close call between this and Teddy Boy Boogie for leaving but in the end the group shouting "WE'RE THE DEAD, WE'RE THE DEAD END CREW" really just won me. Its nothing special, the guitar is generic rockbilly, the drum has a simple beat going on and the lyrics are few but it gets you out the door and walking down the street before you really realise whats happening.